Welcome to my world
where everyone I ever need,
always ends up leaving me alone.
My smiles are just like masks plastered onto my face,
They’re not real
They don’t show how I really feel
The hidden emotions eat me alive.
My insides are slowly rotting away with the lies.
Yes I’m okay.
Yes I’m fine.
If I tell my friends they’ll hate me
I am who I am and I cant help that
I still smile every day
Hoping to fake some people out
Hoping the lies will not show through.
Behind my mask is a face
Ugly and horrible to look at
That is why I keep it so hidden
Away from sight
Away from the pain that laughter brings
When you are the one they are laughing at.
When I see people look at me
Smiling and pointing
They may not be talking about me
But I feel always watched
Every move I make is followed
Ever breath I take is monitored
Don’t mess up, don’t break, don’t crack
I try to cry for help,
But this mask is blocking the noise
From exiting my mouth.
Instead comes out another lie leaves these fake lips,
A laugh this time, it sounds so real.
I want to hit myself. Cut myself.
I want to feel the pain and the warm blood running out of my body.
Have the physical pain carry away the mental pain.
I know my thoughts are wrong
But they are safe inside my head
I know that I should not do what I do or be who I am
God please help me now.
I’m not okay.
I’m not fine.
Forgive me of my sins, for I have lied
Have you ever felt like there’s no reason for you to live
That if you died today it wouldn’t matter to you or anyone
Have you ever spent the whole day
Pretending to be happy
To cover up your sadness and pain you hide
Have you ever had only one thought on your mind
And that was how deep tonight,
How much will it bleed
Can I make it hurt more
Then realize no
Because I’m so numb to the feeling now
Have you ever known
You cared and loved the ones close to you
But questioned if you meant anything to them
Have you ever hoped that when you woke up
Wished you never had
Have you ever been in a trance
Where you knew what was going on around you
But felt like you re separated and in another world.
Have you ever not been able to cry
No matter how much you wanted to
Have you ever felt like you had to be strong
And never show your feelings
Because you re worried about what people would think,
Because they no you as the strong one.
Ever had that feeling in you stomach
Like you could throw up
Because you re so
All at the same time
Have you ever cut yourself to see if you still bleed
Then watch your wrist bleed forever
And hope this time it doesn’t stop
Have you ever cried inside
But had to laugh on the outside
Have you ever held your breathe
To see if you could fall asleep for good
Have you ever not eaten for weeks
And if you did, throw it up
Because you re so disappointed with the way you are
Have you ever taken a half bottle of pills in an hour
And got so sick you thought you would die from that
Instead of overdosing
Have you ever had the only time you feel really happy
Be when u had a knife in your hand.
Have you ever been to the point
Where you thought
Would ever be good again
Have you actually had nothing be good again
Have you ever been blamed for everything
Just because you re an easy person to take it out on
Or because you make yourself believe it’s your fault
Have you ever kept making the same mistake
Over and over again
Just because you wanted it to be right
I have… every day